Comments on: Rod and Richard http://soft-arts.net/2007/12/08/rod-and-richard/ iPhone and Mac development, Tech, Internal Martial Arts, and Life Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:35:52 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: Daniel Jalkut http://soft-arts.net/2007/12/08/rod-and-richard/#comment-1776 Daniel Jalkut Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:44:06 +0000 http://soft-arts.net/2007/12/08/rod-and-richard/#comment-1776 It definitely sounds like your experiences were, if not the world's <em>most</em> unusual forms of abuse, still significant and it's really easy to see how hurtful it must have been to you as a kid. Don't let yourself play the "not so bad" game. Sure, it's always "not so bad" compared to something! It definitely sounds like your experiences were, if not the world’s most unusual forms of abuse, still significant and it’s really easy to see how hurtful it must have been to you as a kid. Don’t let yourself play the “not so bad” game. Sure, it’s always “not so bad” compared to something!

]]> By: daniel http://soft-arts.net/2007/12/08/rod-and-richard/#comment-1775 daniel Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:29:07 +0000 http://soft-arts.net/2007/12/08/rod-and-richard/#comment-1775 Thanks. Honestly, I think that the biggest impact was the destruction of my own inner sense of worth. I caught myself playing the "it wasn't that bad..." game this morning, then remembered being 11 years old and getting beaten with a broom handle in our garage while my mom was away. For going into our home while my folks were on vacation instead of spending the entire week at our neighbor's house next door. I can't really say if I was more upset about the severity of the punishment or the fact that I was in the 5th grade and wasn't allowed to be in my own home unattended. I find the ability to take responsibility for these things (not blame. responsibility.) to be hugely empowering. Writing these things down and being able to read them gets them out of my heart. My son Isaac is 4, the age that I was when things started getting serious between Richard and my mom. I see in him a lot of the same traits that I had at the time: he is smart, creative, funny, talented, and charismatic. He has a joyful, loving, and playful soul. My mind rebels at the idea of him being in a situation like my own, and as a corollary, I can step outside of my own life and see how wildly inappropriate what happened to me was and claim back my own heritage. The ability to talk about these things and acknowledge them gives a person a lot of power over them. Looking back now, it is clear to me that the abuse and disdain that I suffered was completely impersonal - it didn't matter that it was me...it was happening because my stepfather was an incredible asshole. Any kid in that situation would have been subjected to the same treatment. Consequently, if it wasn't about me, any sense of deserving what I got was based on false pretenses. Being able to write down these words and then look at them, share them with others, helps me differentiate *myself* from what was done to me. Not unlike David Allen's lists in Getting Things Done, I feel like I've gotten this stuff out of my head and into something else that can hold it for me, letting me focus on the job at hand - my life and family. Feels really good. Thanks. Honestly, I think that the biggest impact was the destruction of my own inner sense of worth.

I caught myself playing the “it wasn’t that bad…” game this morning, then remembered being 11 years old and getting beaten with a broom handle in our garage while my mom was away. For going into our home while my folks were on vacation instead of spending the entire week at our neighbor’s house next door.

I can’t really say if I was more upset about the severity of the punishment or the fact that I was in the 5th grade and wasn’t allowed to be in my own home unattended.

I find the ability to take responsibility for these things (not blame. responsibility.) to be hugely empowering. Writing these things down and being able to read them gets them out of my heart.

My son Isaac is 4, the age that I was when things started getting serious between Richard and my mom. I see in him a lot of the same traits that I had at the time: he is smart, creative, funny, talented, and charismatic. He has a joyful, loving, and playful soul. My mind rebels at the idea of him being in a situation like my own, and as a corollary, I can step outside of my own life and see how wildly inappropriate what happened to me was and claim back my own heritage.

The ability to talk about these things and acknowledge them gives a person a lot of power over them. Looking back now, it is clear to me that the abuse and disdain that I suffered was completely impersonal - it didn’t matter that it was me…it was happening because my stepfather was an incredible asshole. Any kid in that situation would have been subjected to the same treatment.

Consequently, if it wasn’t about me, any sense of deserving what I got was based on false pretenses. Being able to write down these words and then look at them, share them with others, helps me differentiate *myself* from what was done to me.

Not unlike David Allen’s lists in Getting Things Done, I feel like I’ve gotten this stuff out of my head and into something else that can hold it for me, letting me focus on the job at hand - my life and family. Feels really good.

]]> By: Daniel Jalkut http://soft-arts.net/2007/12/08/rod-and-richard/#comment-1771 Daniel Jalkut Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:40:14 +0000 http://soft-arts.net/2007/12/08/rod-and-richard/#comment-1771 It's a good story about some pretty bad stuff. Thanks for deciding to share it. You've done a good job capturing the emotion and timeline, and it gives a good picture of where you came from and what you're coping with now. It’s a good story about some pretty bad stuff. Thanks for deciding to share it. You’ve done a good job capturing the emotion and timeline, and it gives a good picture of where you came from and what you’re coping with now.

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